EvereadyEddy

Allright some you've heard some you haven't enjoy. I've gotten most of them from the internet. If your offended by slightly "off color" jokes then go somewhere else. Complaints, comments, or joke submissions here About jokes.

Q. What's the difference between a womans G-Spot and a Golf ball?
A. A guy will spend twenty minutes looking for a Golf ball

Q: How does Sinead O'Conner part her hair??
A: She Squats.

1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?........A huddle.
2. Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?......The police.
3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?...It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
4. I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.
5. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
6. The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
7. The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
8. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.
9. How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? Studying their Miranda Rights.

The NFL announced the San Francisco 49ers 2000 schedule. 49ers SCHEDULE FOR 2000
SEPTEMBER
12.............Fisher Jr. High School
19.............Cub Scout Troop 501
26.............California Blind Academy
OCTOBER
3.............Spanish American War Vets
10..............Crippled Children's Home
17.............Saint Joseph's Hospital
NOVEMBER
7.............CA VD Clinic Post #3
14.............Oakland Boys Choir
21.............Korean Amputees
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
DECEMBER 5.............California's Christian Women's Assoc.
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
1) When playing polio patients, 49ers must not disconnect knee braces.
2) When playing the blind academy, 49ers must not hide the football under their jerseys.
RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR
1) A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you 49ers fans who've forgotten what this is) is still worth 6 points.
2) The 49ers will be allowed 20 "men" on the field at all times.
3) The 49ers will be allowed to substitute with cheerleader members at any time during the course of the game.
4) The 49ers will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards
NAME CHANGE
The San Francis 49ers will be changed to the San Francis Tampons, as they are only good for one period and have no second string!
Player CHANGES
Jeff Garcia will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She no doubt will blow a few, but she won't choke on the big ones.

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the objective is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club lenght to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to the formed bunkers.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.
Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing when they consider it to be a private course.
Players are coutioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players find alternative means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back side.
Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner' request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer continuing to play several different courses.
Once membership is established and accepted, playing other courses is strictly FORBIDDEN. Any member caught playing another course is subject to forfeiture of all equipment.

Golf Rules

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
Palm trees eat golf balls.
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are domon-possessed.
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says to the Madame, "I wanna get fucked!!!!" The Madame replies, "I've got just the thing for you. Go upstairs, knock on the door of room #20, and tell the lady what you want." So the guy goes up, pounds on the door, and a voice comes from behind the door saying "Can I help you?" The guy says, "I want to get fucked!" The lady behind the door says, "O.K., just slide fifty dollars under the door." The guy slides fifty under the door and nothing happens. He pounds on the door again and yells, "Hey! I want to get fucked!" The voice behind the door says, "What? Again?"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. the Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean" The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..." Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A woman won't accept a 3-and-a-half inch floppy.

Two pschiatrists were having lunch together, and the one says to his friend "You know, I made a terrible freudian slip this morning." "Oh really, what did you say?" "Well, I was having breakfast with my wife, and what I MEANT to say was 'Honey could you please pass the milk' but it came out as 'You stupid bitch, you've ruined my entire life!'"

Three gay guys died, and there lovers were at the funeral home getting the ashes after cremation. They were discussing where they were gonna spread the ashes. The first guy says "My lover liked to fly so i am gonna go up in the sky and throw his ashes." The next guy says "My lover liked to fish so i am gonna put his ashes in his favorite lake." The third guy says "My lover was the best lover in the world, i am gonna put his ashes in my next batch of chili so he can rip my ass open one more time."

Laws of the Universe:
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. Paul Wojciak's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
19. Supplement: A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces every time.
20. Dick Baker's law: The circuit always knows what it is doing; it is up to you to find out what it is doing.

One day my grandparents were sitting at their dining room table. My grandma turned to my grandpa and said, "You know Honey, we've been married for 50 years, and 50 years ago we were sitting at this same table eating breakfast together. But back then we were completely naked!!!" My grandpa gave my grandma that familiar look and she laughed and stripped down right there. Then she said, "And my nipples are just as hot for you now as they were back then!" My grandpa looked straight at her and said, "Well that's because one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband`s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn`t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he`s wearing?" "No," she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. "It must be blue." When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn`t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.................... so I just switched the heads."

One day Tim decides to visit his old friend Joe who has been married to this beautiful model now for a couple of years. When he gets there he realizes that there is a long line of men standing outside Joe's door. After a few inquires he learnes that Joe's wife is having sex with these men. Confused, Tim goes in to talk to his friend Joe. He asks Joe,"Man, why don't you just divorce this unfaithful wife of yours?". Joe says , "Are you out of your mind! You want me to divorce her and go stand at the end of the line?"

There was this guy who was eating out this lady and noticed a piece of corn in there. He pulled it out, then forgot about it and carried on. Then he found a chunk of carrot but he continued. Then he found a pea, and said "are you sick or something." "No but the last guy was," came the reply.

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

A guy walks into the psychologist's office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniels, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mouse trap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. As the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on. One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her. She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!" The husband says "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."

A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow, Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard get a water softener. Your dog has worms give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant it ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

The following "Golf Jokes" and some others came from here: Good Sport Joke Place

Golf Jokes

A Bad Slice
A fellow was out golfing when he made an unfortunate hook shot that landed in a bed a flowers planted along the edge of the fairway. Gingerly tip-toeing his way through the flowers to retreive his ball, he bent down to pick it up.
Feeling the presence of someone else, he slowly turned around to see Mother Nature standing behind him. Smiling, She said "I couldn't help but notice how careful you are to retreive your golfball without injuring my buttercups - my precious little buttercups. I want to reward you - I'll give you all the butter you could want for the next year."
The golfer looked at Her and without hesitation, said "And where the hell were you when I sliced it into the pussywillows ?!!
A Golfer's nightmare
One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor.
And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.
Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,
``Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green.''
A real disastrous shot
A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him.
``This your ball?" asks the policeman.
``Yes, I think it is.''
``Well,'' says the officer, ``it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors.''
``Gee, I'm sorry.'' said the golfer. ``Is there anything I can do?'' The policeman replied,
``Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips.''
Amazing Golf Ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ``Hey, why don't you try this ball.'' He draws a green golfball out of his bag. ``You can't lose it.''
His friend replies, ``What do you mean you can't lose it?!!''
The first man replies, ``I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.''
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, ``Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!''
The man replies, ``I found it.''
An Illusion
Seems this man was stranded on an island for 11 years...well one day he was sitting on the beach when this very lovely lady came swimming up, she had on a wet suit that was gripping her body.... she looked at the man, and asked how long he had been here....when he said 11 years, she asked if he had smoked any....he said no....she then opened a pocket and pulled out a cigarette and lit it and gave it to him.....she then asked when was the last time he had a drink.....he said 11 years....so she pulled a flask out of another pocket and gave him a drink.....the young lady then got a really sexy look on her face and asked when was the last time the had played around.... the fellow grinned and said 11 years....at the point the young lady started to unzip her wet suit .......the man got so excited he responded with
``OH MY GOD YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A SET OF GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!!!!!''
Arnie or Jesus?
Jesus joined a threesome on the first hole. The drive had to be hit over two small lakes to reach a green surrounded by sandtraps.
Jesus said "OK, I'll do this one. If Palmer could do it, I can do it."
Jesus took a few practice swings, breathed deeply, then hit a blooper right into the water. Cursing, he walked on water to retrieve his ball.
"Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" asked one of the players.
Another player turned to him and said, "No, that's Jesus who thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

D.V., Fairfield, IA
At a fancy resort hotel...
This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel's book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two.
``Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with.'' answered a very polite clerk.
``How much is that going to cost me `` the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. ``Nothing, this is on the room.''
The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone.
``Not so good'' the man answers, ``in fact I lost 5 balls.''
``Well'' says the pro, ``that will be $5000.00 sir.''
``What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?''
``Well'' the pro says ``you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls.''
Bee Sting
A woman was playing golf one afternoon when she sliced into some high grass.
When she went to look for her ball, she was stung by a bee. Realizing the possibilities of an adverse reaction, she quickly ran back to the clubhouse.
Running up to several men who were standing near the clubhouse, she frantically shouted, "Is anyone here a Doctor? I've been stung by a bee !!!
One of the men said, "I'm a doctor, where did you get stung? Rather confused by the question, she said "Between the first and second hole !!!
What do you suggest?" The doctor promply replied, "I suggest that next time, keep your legs crossed !!!"

Geo Dreher
Can you stop this golfer ?
One night a man returns home well after dark after having supposedly left at 6:30 that morning to play golf. His wife is furious and demands to know where he's been.
``Well, I got up this morning at 6:30, went to the car and it wouldn't start. So I called Frank to drive and it was 7:15 until he could pick me up. On our way to the course, Frank gets a flat tire so we have to walk 8 miles to the nearest station to get someone to help us. By the time we finally get going again it's 10:30. When we get to the course, there is a seniors group going off so we have to wait two hours before we can tee off.''
``Yeah, but that was still almost eleven hours ago!'' His wife nagged.
``Well, we were playing along when on the fifth hole a golf ball comes whizzing by and strikes Frank in the head, killing him. So for the next thirteen holes, its hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball....''
Confession before marriage
An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he doesn't know that).
They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose.
``Ginger, darling.'' he says. ``I want to marry you. But I must confess something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the time.''
Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well.
``That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about myself. I'm a hooker.''
``Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course I'll help your problem.''
Death on the Golf Course
A man and his wife went golfing one day. The man ended the day by calling the authorities due to a golf ball hitting his wife in the head and instantly killing her. At the morgue, the pathologist explained to the man that the golf ball was indeed the cause of death of his wife. The pathologist did have one question. He asked the golfer how another golf ball had made it's way up his wife's ass. The golfer explained, that was my mulligan. (For the golfing novice, a mulligan is a free shot)

Char nor
Difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer says wack...DAMN
A bad skydiver says damn...WACK
`F' word (1)
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.
``Ah'', says St. Peter, ``we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the `F' word, didn't you?''
``Yes'', says the man, ``but it was only one time.''
St. Peter: ``Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances.''
Man: ``Well, I said the `F' word when I was playing golf..''
St. Peter: ``Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the `F' word.''
Man: ``Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron...''
St. Peter: ``And THAT'S when you said the `F' word?''
Man: ``Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path...''
St. Peter: ``You said the `F' word then, didn't you?''
Man: ``Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...''
St. Peter: ``The `F' word, you said it then, yes?''
Man: ``Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup..''
St. Peter: `` YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??''
`F' Word (2)
Vicar George and Vicar Henry were out for a game of golf one day. On the first green, having missed a two foot putt, George screamed aloud, ``Fuck it, I missed!''. This really caught Vicar Henry by surprise but he decided to say nothing.
So, along the game went and on the third green Vicar George missed another simple putt. To Henry's surprise again, George shouted, ``Fuck it, I missed!''. Henry decided to calm George down a little and told him that the Lord would strike him down for using such foul language.
Anyway, both vicars played on, and George was able to control his temper until the final green where he missed yet another two-footer to win the match. Uncontrollably, the same, foul words came from his mouth, and in a flash, lightening came down from above, struck Vicar Henry, and killed him instantly. Suddenly, Vicar George heard a big booming voice from above, sounding the words:
``Dammit, I missed!''.
Fairy tale
A foursome was playing golf on a rather sunny day in spring. Fred was having some trouble with his swing but wasn't losing by too much. The group approached the 15th tee which was quite near a road and he watched as his partners teed off before him. Just before he was about to tee off a car came down the road and got a flat tire right near them. The woman in the car was quite striking so the other three men decided that they would help her out. Fred, on the other hand, wanted to tee off his shot first. His shot was beautiful. He was quite upset that his friends hadn't seen it.However, he quickly changed his mind as he saw the ball bounce twice on the green and roll into the cup.
Just then a flash appeared at his feet and he looked down to see a small man. ``I am the hole-in-one fairy and I will grant you a wish for your effort.''
Fred looked around to make sure no one saw him. If he was hallucinating he didn't want anyone to see him talking to no one. ``Are you serious little man?'' The little fairy nodded in response and Fred tried to think of something good to wish for. ``I know,'' he said. ``I would like it if I had a longer dick.''
``And so it shall be done,'' the fairy said as he flashed away. Fred stood there for a few more minutes not feeling any different and noticing that his dick was still it's small self. Not wanting to tell the guys, who were returning now, he kept himself quiet. That day he came in behind the others as he was unable to concentrate on his game for the rest of the day.
Before going to sleep he checked out his dick and noticed that it might have actually increased in length by a few fractions of an inch but he put it down to imagination and figured it was all just a dream and went to sleep.
The next morning when he awoke he was immediately aware that his dick had actually grown a good two inches while he had slept. Unfortunately, his wife was still asleep, but he figured he would spring his new found masculinity on her when he returned home from work.
That night when Fred returned home from work he noticed that his dick had grown another two inches. He went right up to his wife in the kitchen and she realized what was happening right away when he rubbed up behind her. She tried to ask what or how but she was overwhelmed and she was satisfied beyond her dreams that night by Fred.
The next morning Fred could not believe that his dick had grown another four inches that night and now he was starting to get worried. He had difficulty hiding what was happening to him while he walked around at work.
After a few days Fred's dick had to be tucked into his sock so that it didn't show out his pants legs and he was getting even more worried, so he grabbed his golf clubs and went out to the 15th tee again with a few buckets of balls. He started hitting balls from the tee to try and get another hole-in-one.
Finally, after laboring all day (and another two inches later), Fred gets a hole-in-one and there is a flash at his feet as the hole-in-one fairy appears. ``I am the hole-in-one fairy and I will grant you a wish for your effort.''
``Hi, it's me Fred, I asked for a longer dick a week ago,'' Fred blurted out quickly.
``Oh yeah, I remember you, how is it going?''
``Great, Mr. Fairy, My wife loves it and it had given me a real boost of confidence at work, but my dick is getting so long it will be dragging on the ground soon and I thought I would ask you if...''
``I know'', the Fairy broke in, ``You want me to shorten it a little so it doesn't drag on the ground.''
``No,'' Fred replied, ``I was wondering if you could make my legs longer.''
Fatal Provisional
A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. ``We were on the third hole'' the widower relates.
``My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.''
The coroner replies ``That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?'' ``Oh'' says the man
``that was my provisional.''
Feeling good or healing hurts ?
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his ``pain''.
``Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!'' She told him earnestly.
``Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes.'' He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to ``ease his pain''. She began to massage his groin (*okay, you use whatever term works for you*).
After a few moments she asked, ``does that feel better?''
The man looked up at her and replied, ``yes, that feels pretty good ...but my thumb still hurts like hell!''
Funeral
A golfer in a foursome was playing an extremely tough hole one summer day. He was making a very tricky putt as a funeral procession was going by. He holed out the shot anyway.Afterwards his partner said "You must have nerves of steel to sink such a tricky putt while that funeral was going by." "Yes, we would have been married 25 years today if she was still alive."
Gamma Su !! Gamma Su !!
A Texas business man while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ``Gama Su!, Gama Su!''. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling ``Gama Su! Gama Su!''.
Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked:
``Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?''
God Showing Off
Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God.God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"
Golf Lesson 101 (1)
Me wife says to me one day ``Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n?''
So I goes next door and says to me neighbor ``Can you teach me to play golf?''
He: ``Sure. Have you got any balls and club?''
Me: ``?.....of course. Why?''
H: ``Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off.''
M: ``?T-off? Whats this T-off?''
H: ``Oh - its just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse.''
M: ``Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you don't mind.''
H: ``(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little finger.''
M: (them damn women been talk'n again)
H: ``Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you ball on top of it.''
M: ``Oh, this is sit down game?''
H: ``No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T.''
M: ``Is'nt that strech'n things a bit far?''
H: ``No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?''
M: ``?.....of course. Why?''
H: ``Zippered bag or velcro?''
M: ``?...........neither.''
H: ``Oh, well how do you hold you club?''
I: ``Two fingers.''
H: ``No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this.Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing.''
M: ``Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind.''
H: ``Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder...''
M: ``No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of.''
H: ``. . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar.''
M: ``I can well belive that.''
H: ``Then when your on the green . . .''
M: ``What's the green thing?''
H: ``Ah, thats where the hole is.''
M: ``You color blind?''
H: ``No, why?'' ``...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter...''
M: ``Whats a putter?''
H: ``Smallest club made''
M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).
H: ``...and with it you put the ball in the hole.''
M: ``You mean the putter?'
H: ``No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.''
M: ``Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon.''
H: ``Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17.''
M: ``I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I in the 18th one?''
H: ``Why, the holes got a flag in it.''
M: Sheeez!
Golf Lesson 101 (2)
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
``Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
``P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. ``Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''
Golf Lesson 101 (3)
A foursome is waiting at the mens tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically:
``I guess all thos f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't help''
One of the men immediately replies:
``No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.''
Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No , no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

SeaChell2
Golfing on Mother's Day
Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being ``let go'' for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said, ``I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.''
The second man said, ``I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.''
The third man said, ``I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course,' and she said: I'll put your clubs in the car.' ''
Great Trade ?
Two golfers are at the first tee:
Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!''
Golfer two: ``em Great trade!!!!''
Green Golf Balls
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes him what he wants. ``I can't find any green golf balls,'' the golfer replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, ``Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?''
``Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!''
Handicap
Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gourgeous naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. Surprise surprise, he was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.
Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:
``Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back.''
``What about the bucket of sand?''
``Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.''
Heavenly Golf
A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here we have our very own golf course!
Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?! they both exclaimed.
Sure said the angel.
So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong. I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you? she asked.
If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!
Hoenymoon Golf
A man and his new bride were playing golf together on their honeymoon. The lady was playing extremely well, and had won nearly every hole. On the 18th hole, she had a 30 foot putt for birdie. She turned to her husband and said, ``Honey, if I make this putt, I will break par for the first time in my life, and I'm going to give you the best blow job you've ever had!''
``It's good! It's good!'', said he.
How do pros create so much backspin ?
Amateur: ``How do you get so much backspin?''
Pro: ``Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''
Amateur: ``About 130.''
Pro: ``Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin *back*?''
How does he putt ?
The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the ball out of your own shadow.
On of the members had enough. So we bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf.
He then set up a game with the pro, $1000 a side with automatics.
The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting the fairway some 270 yards out.
The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100, 200, 300 400 ,500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about ``dumped'' in his pants. If this was an indication of the way things were going to go then he would never live in down. He immediately settled the bet, remembering that he had urgent business across town.
As they walked from the tee the pro asked, ``How does he putt''
The same as he drives, 575 yards, was the answer.
How hard to hit a 1-iron ?
A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling ``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!'' The priest looks at his caddy and says
``Phhhhhtt. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!''.
How Harrington killed his wife ?
Two men are chatting at the 19th hole at their golf club.
First golfer: I say, did you hear about old Harrington-Smythe?
Second golfer: No. What happened?
First golfer: He was arrested yesterday for murdering his wife.
Second golfer: Really? How did he do it?
First golfer: With one of his golf clubs!
Second golfer: How many strokes?
How to beat PGA Pros
The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but hey who doesn't need more money right. To make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested 2 gottchas. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent he agreed.
Then went out to the first tee and the member took a swing and his ball sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his drive hard between his legs ``GOTTCHA!'' he screamed.
At the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost - his only comment ``ever play a round of golf waiting for the second ``gottcha''?
How to make a decent shot on a cart path ?
Two guys of equal ability decide to have a round together and ``play it as it lays'' on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. The drive up for the second shot, and the first gentleman hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach, but the second guy slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. ``Guess I get a free drop from the cart path.'', he says. ``Oh no,'' says guy 1, ``We agreed. Play it as it lays.'' So guy 2 drives guy 1 up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Guy 1 watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Guy 2 drives back to the green.
Guy 1: ``Great shot back there! What club did you use?''
Guy 2: ``Your six iron.''
How to play in winter ?
A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. ``In most parts of the USA we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring'' the Yank said.''Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us.'' said the Scot.
``Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?''asked the American.
``No'', said the Scot ``we just put on an extra sweater or two.''
If I become a lesbian...
Two long time golfing buddies were playing the back nine when suddenly a thunderstorm formed overhead and with one lightning bolt zapped both players killing them instantly. When they reported to the pearly gates St Peter discovered there had been an error and neither of them was supposed to be there yet. Since both their original bodies had been burned to cinders he offered to return them in what ever form they preferred. After a brief discussion, one of them stated they wanted to return as lesbians. ``Lesbians,'' cried St Peter, ``Whatever for?'' ``Well,'' replied one, ``we can still eat p***y and we get to use the red tees!''
In a Lamaze class

This is take from Reader's Digest, March 1994.

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
Jeb the Golfer
Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !?
Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?"
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"

T.M., Vernon, VT
Jesus!, What a golfer!
Jesus, Moses and Paul were playing golf, and Jesus found himself in a sand trap. He looked at the position of the ball, and decided to use a nine-iron. Moses quickly rebuked Jesus and said ``What the heck are you doing? If you use a nine-iron, you're going to land that ball in the drink!''
Jesus answered ``No, no, I saw Jack Nicholas do this on T.V. the other day. I'm sure I can do this.'' Well, he hit the ball, and right on with Moses' prediction, the ball landed in the lake; so Moses parted the water so Jesus could get the ball. When Jesus insisted trying from the same spot again with a nine-iron, Moses repeated his objection, but Jesus again replied ``I saw Jack Nicholas do this on T.V.'' Again, the ball landed in the drink, again Moses parted the water for Jesus to go get the ball.
When Jesus insisted on one more try, Moses retorted ``O.K. smarty, but WHEN it lands in the water, I'm not parting it this time!'' To this Jesus replied ``I saw Jack do this on T.V.'', and again, the ball landed in the drink. Moses, true to his word refused to part the water, so Jesus walked out on the water to try and find his ball. A couple of guys walked up and saw a man walking on water, and turned to Moses asking ``who is this guy, Jesus Christ?'', to which Moses snaps ``Yeah, but he thinks he's Jack Nicholas.'' (ugh ugh)
Left handed Clubs
A man asks his wife the following questions after a long discussion about her life if he were to die before her.
Husband: "Honey, if I were to die before you, would you remarry?"
Wife: "Well Dear, after a long time I might get lonely, so I think I would."
"Honey, would you let him sleep in our house?"
"Well Dear, I love this house and I know you want me to be happy, so I think I would."
"Honey, would you let him drive my new car?"
"Well Dear, I don't like that little thing, so I think I would."
"Honey, would you take him to the Country Club?"
"Well Dear, you know I love it there, and that's were all my friends are, so I think I would."
"Honey, would you let him use my new Arnold Palmer Fiberswing golf clubs??"
"Absolutely not, he's a lefty."
Like golfer like caddy
He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded.
``You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!'' he screamed.
``I doubt it,'' replied the caddy. ``That would be too much of a coincidence.''
Mouth to Mouth
Three men went out on Sunday to play some golf. On the fourth hole, Fred chipped a shot into the rough. "You all play on ahead," he insisted. "I'll catch up with you."
Off they went, but after a half an hour had gone by with no sign of Fred, Charlie said, "I'll go check on him." The third guy played on for a while, then he got to wondering what had happened to the first two, so he went back to check on them. When he got back to the fourth hole, he was astonished: poor Fred was bent over the back seat of his golf cart, with his buddy energetically screwing him up the ass.
"Charlie, what the hell are you doing?!" he yelled, running towards them.
"It was horrible," gasped a red-faced Charlie. "When I got here, Fred was having a massive heart attack."
"You're supposed to give him heart massage, you idiot," cried the third guy, "and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
"I know THAT," retorted Charlie indignantly. "How do you think this got started?"
Need a spotter ?
Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. ``No problem,'' answered the pro.
``But, you have to understand,'' one of the guys, named George, explained, ``that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter.''
The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary.
``How old are you?'' George asked.
``I'm ninety-four,'' Gary responded.
``Fabulous,'' said George. ``But how's your eyesight?''
At this, Gary blew up. ``Don't insult my eyes,'' he yelled. ``I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!''
``Okay, okay,'' the others said. ``Let's play golf.''
George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary.
``Did you see where it went?'' he asked the ancient one.
``Did I see where it went?! I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course
I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!'' Gary yelled.
``Okay, I'm sorry,'' said George. ``Where did it go?''
Gary dropped his head, and muttered, ``I forgot.''
No Excuse !!
It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play. Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: ``Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all *blind*; they're taking part in a special event.'' After hearing this, the foursome immediately had a change of heart. The first one said, ``Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees.'' The second replied, ``And I'll pay for their carts.'' Predictably, the third member said, ``Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them.'' The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: ``And what are you going to do for them?'' The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted,
``Fuck them, they could have played last night!''
Not a bad deal, at all!!
It was a beautiful sunny day at the golf course. The gentleman took aim on the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded area. He sighed and proceeded to the area where the ball had gone into the woods.
As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling to him. He whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She had his golf ball and explained to him that it had hit her in the head. She was not very pleased about this, but went on to explain that she had little contact with the outside world and when she did have an encounter, she condidered it a special occasion.
The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the man one wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would notice a tremendous decrease in his sexual desire and ability to perform. The man thought about this for a few minutes and then stated that he would agree to those conditions.
The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated, ``I want my golf game to improve.'' The witch rocked back on her heels and stared at the man. After a few minutes she said, ``Is that all?''. He said,'' Yes, that's it''. The witch said, ``Are you telling me that is all you want, when you could have anything in this world?'' The man looked her in straight in the eyes and said, ``Yes''.
Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the same golf course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man starts shaking because he had not hooked or sliced a shot since the day he had encountered the witch. He went into the woods and there stood the witch. She looked at him and said, ``I made your shot go bad because I wanted to talk to you.'' The man was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what she wanted. The witch wanted to know if he had any regrets about his wish. The man said, ``Well, things couldn't be better with my golf game. I've won every major tournament on the amateur circuit and I'll soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex life, I have only had six encounters in 2 years. ``Hasn't that bothered you?,'' asked the witch. The man said, ``No, I'm allright''. The witch said,'' Well, I'm glad it all worked out, although there is nothing you or I can do about it now - the spell that was cast can never be changed''.
With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the man said to himself, ``The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not bad for a small parish priest''.
Oh! That is just a wrong place for a golf ball.
A couple of buddies ran into each other at the 19th hole one afternoon. One of the men had a large bandage wrapped around his throat and could speak no louder than a hoarse whisper. Needless to say, the other was quite curious and demanded the details of what had happened. Over a couple of cold ones, the man with the bandage told his tale.
``Two days ago I came out to the club real early to play a round. At that hour there's not too many people on the course; in fact, the only one I saw was this lady who was playing ahead of me. Anyway, I was hitting them really well - right up until I got to the 7th hole. Just as I was teeing off a bird squawked and I hooked it right into the cow pasture next to the fairway. I grabbed a club and climbed the fence to look for my ball. The lady I told you about was also over there looking for her ball. Well, I looked, but I couldn't find that damned ball anywhere and the lady didn't seem to be having any better luck. Then I noticed this one cow. She seemed to be in pain or something. I went over to take a look at her. At first I couldn't see anything wrong, but then I lifted her tail. Sure enough, there was a ball stuck you-know-where. Well, I checked the markings, but it wasn't mine. So, I yelled out, `Hey, lady, does this look like yours?' That's when she hit me in the neck with a five iron.''
Pavin Fined ?
This is from the article of David Cook (Daved_E._Cook@NOTES.PW.COM) in rec.sport.golf.

True Story. This morning, my girlfriend and I are driving to work listening to the radio. Sports news come on and I turn it up. Announcer says
"...bla, bla, bla... Pavin wins it with a LATE CHARGE on the back..."
Girlfriend asks, "How much is a late charge?"
I didn't laugh then, and I hope she isn't a subscriber!

dc
Preacher's Call
He was out playing a round of golf one day with three of his friends, who were also ministers, when on one of the par fives he reaches the edge of the green in three, Leaving himself with about a 35-40 foot birdie putt.
He lines the putt up so that he feels pretty comfortable with it and strikes what looks to be a perfect putt, headed straight for the hole. Just as the ball gets to the hole, it stops, hanging right on the rim of the hole. Being a preacher and a man of God, He looks up to the sky and says to God, ``How 'bout a little help?''
Just as he says this, a moth flies onto the green, briefly buzzes around their heads and then decides to rest....RIGHT ON HIS BALL!!! The moth lands on the ball but the ball still doesn't move, prompting him to say ``YOU DIDN'T SEND A BIG ENOUGH MOTH!!!'' Right when he says this, the moth starts crawling around the ball, and eventually crawls to the hole side of the ball, causing, you guessed it, the ball to drop straight into the hole. With this my friend simply looks up to the sky with an ``Amen!''
Switch Golfer
Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday.But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, ``Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?''
They were hesitant but said she could come once to give it a try.
She said ``Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven.''
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said ``Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7.''
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, ``how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?''
She said ``That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his dick is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed.''
A guy asked ``what if it's pointed straight up?''
She said ``Then I'll be here at nine o'clock.''
The Dream Golf Course
Willie Nelson used to own his own course and was certainly a free thinker when playing there. He once said:
``It's my own damn course, and I can do anything I fell like out there. I can wear what I want. Drink what I want. Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's a par 23 and I damn near birdied the sucker the other day.''
The fate of a golfer's wife
It's a nice hot summers day and two men are playing golf on a course that is situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole one of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his hat in a solemn gesture. The second man turns round to him and says...
``Come off it, it's only a hearse.''
``But you don't understand, its my wife's funeral...''
The Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
The game of golf and the marriage
An avid golfer got married, and the marriage was getting into problems as he was playing golf 5 days a week. They finally talked about it and she asks him if he could teach her golf, that way they can both enjoy golf and improve their marriage. He argues that golf is a serious game and that she is just trying to prove her point by mocking the game. After some arguing he agrees to have her go to the course with him.
They go to the course and she signs up to take some lessons with the local pro. The lessons keep going on everyday, and he is happy she doesn't bother him. One day, one of his buddies asks him how the marriage is going. He replies ``It is great, ever since she takes the golf lessons, she doesn't bother me and lets me play all the golf I want.'' His buddy says ``Really, then I guess you don't know that she is screwing around with the golf pro'' The man's eyes turned red and smoke came out of his ears, getting very furious and saying
``I knew it could not last, I knew she'd make a mockery of the game''
The Golfing Nuns
When the golfer arrived without a tee time, he was teamed up with three nuns. Sister Margaret introduced herself and insisted he hit first. He carefully addressed the ball, took an enormous swing and hooked the ball into the bunker.
"Goddamn son of a bitch!" he hollered.
The nuns gasped. "Sir," Sister Margaret admonished, "we don't speak that way in the sight of the lord."
"Forgive me sister," the embarrassed man replied. "It won't happen again. Please take your turn."
The nun's drive sliced into the rough, hit a tree and bounced straight back 50 yards.
"Goddamn son of a bitch!" she exploded, throwing her club to the ground.
"But, Sister," the shocked man said. "You said----" "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fucking tree!"
The Hitman
Two golfers are just starting the 13th hole when the first golfer notices that in his partner's golf bag is a high-powered rifle. Curosity takes over and he questions his partner. His partner tells him that he is a hitman.
So the first golfer hits (pun) on an idea and says, "Do you see that window in that apartment across the course. My wife is in that apartment with another guy. I want you to shoot them both."
The hitman tells the golfer "Each bullet will cost you $5000." The golfer thinks that $5000 times 2 is a bit steep but the hitman says, "I have been doing this for 25 years and has not missed a shot yet, and even suggests that he can shoot them in any part of the body that the golfer wants."
The golfer is impressed and says, "Wellll, okay. I want you to shoot my wife in her big mouth and the guy in the crotch."
The hitman pulls out his rifle, loads, and starts to aim. But for some reason is moving his aim back and forth. The golfer asks what the hitman is doing. The hitman then says, "Just hold on a second, I think I can save you $5000 dollars.
The magic of bifocal glasses
An old man, who plays a round of golf with his pals each week, has just purchased a new pair of glasses. At the first hole, he sinks a 30' putt! His friends are amazed. Again, on the 2nd and 3rd green, he completes equally difficult shots.
``Hey, Harry'', one friend asks, ``what's your secret? You've never played so well.''
``Well guys, its these new bifocals. I see a small ball and a big ball. I hit the large one, and the rest is history.''
A few holes later, Harry needs to relieve himself so off into the woods he trots. When he returns, his trousers are drenched.
``What happened Harry?''
Harry, in confused voice,
``I reached in and looked down, I saw a big one and a little one. I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back!''
The most cruel punishment
A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, ``Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say ``Ok.''
The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says ``I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, ``Who's he going to tell?''
The Wife, The Mistress, And The Golf Game
There are these two women having a game of golf one day but they are holding up the two men behind them by taking their time putting and aiming for the holes.
Then Bill says to his friend Fred, "I think I'm going to go ask them if they don't mind stepping out of the way so we can play our shot and move on to the next hole". So Bill comes within 3 meters of the women decides he can't do it, and he walks back to Fred. "What's the problem", asks Fred. Bill says "Hey man, I can't talk to them. One is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.
So brave Fred decides he'll do the honors. He walks over to the women but then turns and walks straight back toward Bill. "I can't talk to them either", he says. Bill sighs asks what Fred's problem is. Fred smiles sheepishly and says "Small world isn't it?"
Why not use old balls ?
A fella goes for a quick round of golf, and at the first tee, someone is about to tee off in front of him. The man takes a brand new ball out of his bag, unwraps it and places it on the tee. Thwack! Slices into the trees. ``Bollocks!'' He reaches into his bag and takes out another brand new ball, unwraps it, and tees it up. Thwack! Hooks it miles into the bushes.
``Bollocks!'' He stomps back to his bag for another ball, when the man waiting approaches him. ``Er, excuse me, but I notice you're losing a lot of brand new balls. Why don't you use an old one?'' He looks at the man.
``Cos I've never bloody had one!''
Wrong Excuse
Husband comes home from golfing after dark. Wife asks where has he been. He says that after his 8:00 am round he stops to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. Goes back to her place for a cool drink, ends up in the bedroom with her all afternoon. Wife says,
``You S.O.B. You played 36 holes, didn't you?''
You can't keep your head down!
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf > enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says,
``I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.'' The caddy looks back at him and says,
``I don't think you could keep your head down that long.''

A man and a woman are sitting on the Oxford Tube, when the guy sneezes, whips out his cock, wipes it off and puts it away again. Stunned, the woman is speechless. Twenty minutes later, the guy sneezes again, whips out his todger, wipes it off and puts it away again. Disgusted beyond belief, she resolves to say something. "You're filthy! how dare you behave like this in front of a lady?". "I am sorry Madam" he says, "I suffer from a rare medical condition whereby every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." "Oh, I do apologize, that's terrible. What are you taking for it?" "Pepper" he replied.